There’s going to be a lot of theories about zombies floating around after they’ve fucked up society. Where did they come from, is there any chance for a cure, why do they attack people? Here are my own zombie theories, so feel free to comment and discuss.
Biological warfare, mutated animal diseases, and a lack of vacancies in Hell are all at the forefront of any zombie theory. Whether you think the walking dead have come from a scientific or a religious origin doesn’t really matter, practicality-wise. They’re here for your brains and that’s all that you should be worried about.
A biological cause is just obscure enough to give an explanation without having to provide much evidence. It’s easy to believe the government is involved with some top-secret, you-really-shouldn’t-mess-with-this-shit science and it accidentally got released into the public. You don’t really need details because, well, you’re not a damn scientist. And if you are, well, good for you. Maybe you can come up with a chemical agent that targets the living dead.
When it comes to animal-related diseases crossing over to infect humans, this is the first thing that comes to mind:
Ah, the wonder of science.
Or, in the case of 28 Days Later, it gets released by retarded animal rights’ activists who decide to ignore the scientist’s warning and let Coco out in the hopes that it can be put up for adoption by a loving family. Fuck you, activists, you just started the apocalypse. Good job.
But really, I can’t imagine a bunch of undead monkeys running around. All I see is real-life Pet Sematary shit going down and that’d be weird (because walking corpses who crave living flesh aren’t weird at all). Maybe cross-species contamination would cause some twisted mutation, like the dogs in Resident Evil, but I can’t see it having the same effects on animals as it does on humans. Otherwise, we’d be fucked if it spread through the local zoo. Think about it: zombie lion. Fuck that.
If this ever happens, we're all fucked anyway.
Btw, there really IS an adorable little zombie lion stuffed animal.
Now that is something you can snuggle up to every night.
As for a religious cause of zombies, while it makes for a badass quote (“When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth” will forever grace our T-shirts and hoodies), I’m going to go out on a limb here and say….no. Like a science-y origin, it could work because it’s vague and everything is explained nice and cleanly without any real evidence. Unlike a biological cause, you can’t prove it and with science, if you’re able to, you can actually figure out how a lab-made virus works. Sorry, but “Jesus was mad about our sins so he decided to bring all the dead back to life to fuck shit up, har har” isn’t going to work. For one, religion does not apply to everyone; it simply is not a given, nor a tangible explanation. To everyone who is now offended….well, if you’re that easily offended, you probably wouldn’t even be on this site, considering how delightful my word choice is. Golly gee whiz.
Call me crazy, but this isn't exactly a pop-a-Tylenol-and-get-a-flu-shot type of condition.
If a cure were ever successfully developed, it would only be able to target those who are infected but not yet completely turned. There is not a damn thing you can do once they are a ravenous corpse except put a bullet between their eyes. You simply cannot cure death, because that is, essentially, all that they are. Don’t keep your infected loved ones nearby in the hopes that you will be able to bring them back one day. Chances are, you’ll just ending up having your face eaten by one of them and you won’t be able to draw enough breath to laugh about the irony of it all.
What drives a zombie to hunger after living flesh? Do they need it to survive or is it simply the disease’s way of spreading to every living organism and virtually becoming the most dominant form of life? Is there any significance to the brain or is it simply Hollywood’s way of making the zombie seem even more diabolical? How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? To all of these questions, we may never know the answer but we’ll talk about them all anyway because, hell, zombies and sweets are always fun.
Seeing as there are many possibilities of the types of zombies that would arise, there isn’t just one answer to the most basic question about zombie behavior: why do they seem to need living flesh?
Scenario 1: Perhaps zombies simply require fresh meat in order to stay alive. The virus that has taken control of the corpse may need the specific nutrients of warm flesh and blood in order to sustain itself. Or maybe it just doesn’t like to eat its veggies. Either way, eating humans is the zombie’s way to survive like any other organism. Without this source of food, the zombie can starve to death or its body will simply be unable to function and it will succumb to deterioration and eventually die.
These zombies have a life-span more like that of normal human beings and will starve to death without fresh meat.
Scenario 2: Unfortunately for mankind, these zombies are animated only by the virus that makes them feast upon living human beings without having a real need for it. They will continue roaming the earth until they wear themselves right down to nothing but bones and tendons, which could be a very long time. An example of these would be those of Resident Evil, which can live for decades, decaying into dried husks of corpses but still capable of walking and, of course, eating. But why eat living flesh if it’s unnecessary for their survival? Perhaps it is the virus’ way of simply wiping out its biggest threat in an undead world: living human beings.
These zombies will remain active for years, kept alive by the virus rather than sustenance.
Hopefully the zombies will be those of Scenario 1, during which we can simply hold out in our fortresses and wait for the bastards to die of starvation. But if they’re not….you’d better have plans for long-term survival in a never-ending dying world.
I just realized I never discussed Tootsie Pops like I said I would. That simply won’t do.
Verdict: who gives a shit how many licks it takes, Tootsie Pops are bomb and last a pretty good amount of time. That’s all that matters.